|
[24 Oct 2009|05:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 mellow |
] |
So last night I'm laying in bed with mark and i had just got done enjoying some amazing velveta. Then we're watching family guy and i look up for a brief moment at the ceiling. That's when the room was spinning, way too much. Everything was anitmatd and I could only escape it by closing my eyes. Even then I felt like I was spinning. I didnt know what else to do besides sit up, So I did that... I felt "alright" so I got up to splash water on my face and walking there felt like i was on a moving floor inside those mirror houses. I couldnt see straight or logically see where i was going. I almost knocked a bunch of shit over. After that I sat in the bathroom and Daisy stared at me with her head cocked. I finally had him drive home and stay in bed with me to make sure i would be alright. I woke up and got ready for work then fell and realIzed I was not going to go anywhere today, especially if it involved me driving :( so here I an laying in bed after watching a good 5 hours of cops and step brothers.
A rainy day spent sick, in bed with my boyfriend (who may I add has been very helpful by getting me things and driving an making sure I am ok. ) and watching more tv then I have in ages.
|
|
|
[06 Sep 2009|06:42pm] |
|
pissed duh
|
|
|
[21 Aug 2009|03:52am] |
Out of all of the mistakes in the world I could possibly make, I make the worst piece of shit mistake I could possibly ever make. I try to hide it beneath everything and act as though it never happened, because I am ashamed beyond belief. I am chilled to the core at the fact I would ever do anything like this, because it isn't me. But when your mind is scrabbled and your decision making isn't even in existence, this is what happens. Lying isn't on my list of things I am good at, this time it was stupid to lie in the first place, because I knew the outcome. Lying seemed like it would help me hold onto the most important thing in my life, not for the reason that might be thought, just because I am stupid and just want to forget. I was done regretting and hating myself, after this- I'll never be done. Not only did I make a decision I already hated myself for, lying got me no where but back at square one. I don't even care that someone I told about it (even though I didn't even tell my best friend), told someone important, it's better this way. I hate not having the truth out. I just can't believe that this is how it'll always be. Because I made one stupid decision, everything that makes me happy, was completely fucked up. It is my fault so I don't want to pity myself for doing something stupid, every name that I was called is dead on. I feel like I am the most piece of shit scum on the planet. I would like to reassure myself that everyone is entitled to one stupid decision, but I think I have done my fair share. From listening to the wrong people and destroying something good, to this. Which in the end, makes losing someone worse, because now it is completely for real, both times being completely my fault. I really hope that some how, my own family can find it in their hearts to not hate me and think the same things as what is thought. I don't even feel comfortable in my own home. If I would have known the word no, my life would be easier. Everything just has to be a thousand times more complicated, because that's how I am. I make a horrible disgusting decision, and I lay and cry about it for hours and hours and only get a little sleep. I wish I could say I didn't cry, because it really wasn't worth my time. Crying doesn't take back what I did nor does it make my apology worthy of even being considered. Maybe other people deal with the situations well, because they've done this so many times. This is never acceptable for me, I will never let myself live this down. It'll always eat away at the back of my brain and losing you, even as little as I may have had to grasp, is the worst feeling... again. If I could some how, go back in time. I wouldn't have made that decision. I wouldn't have even put myself in that position, period. I could of all avoided this well, but I had to be selfish and try to get over myself and listen to people telling me to move on and give so and so a chance. This just further shows, I am not going to listen to anyone ever again, because even my good friends, have no idea what a small thing can ball into. I may have been in a bad mood before in my life and said I hated myself. I truly have never meant it til' now. Knowing that someone I love more than everything and anything around me, hates me. Makes this situation worse. Even though there isn't even enough room to hate myself anymore, I will some how find it, because I deserve to not only be hated, but live with hating myself on every level. Any small thought of what could be or would have been, is swept away for good. I've made so many mistakes- you're supposed to grow and learn, even from the worst or worst mistakes. I learned from this, but it isn't like most stories where someone makes a stupid mistake. It doesn't matter if I learn, because this is what I have done. Learning, saying sorry, crying, hating myself... none of that will take me back to March, life doesn't go in rewind. It goes so fast forward that it makes me sick. Scrapping what I could of friends, is now over. At least now the whole world will know what I did, they can also hate me and talk about me behind my back. Even though, I am not that "kind of girl". I am now and forever under that category.
I don't want to show my face anywhere, or hurt anyone else. I am done for life- I'm so afraid of what other damage I will and could do. I'm so sorry everyone, I wish that it was erasable and forgivable, but it's not...
i'm so sorry.
|
|
| If I find my way through the darkest of days, will I laugh about the things that kept me awake? |
[27 Jul 2009|09:12pm] |
I'm really afraid of never getting out of this funk. Feeling encased in such a revolving circle. The same thing everyday, I either work or don't. I don't do anything or put my mind to one certain thing. I lay and think of all the stupid things I have said and done. Making it absolutely positive that I am my own reason of sadness. Driving everyone I love away, or just simply ruining the relationships with those people. I fear that life will always be this way, lonely and out of touch with everything going on.
I really just want a friend who cares, not someone who is with me on their own convenience. I'm not a place holder who has no emotions. I'm just so sick of feeling that way. Why can't I pick people who truly love me. At this rate, I will never find someone who will actually love me again. I make mistake after mistake and always say the wrong things.
It all just really needs to stop, I'm just not sure on how to change myself so everyone likes me. Or maybe just one person... just someone to pull me out of this just depressing wreck.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|
|